Monday, June 12, 2006
after much procastination and waiting, and upon resquests from people who wanted to me to blog about church retreat, here it is! it's not that i dont want blog about it. it's just too much to say. so i shall summarize it up.
this retreat has indeed been one that has passed very fast despite it being a 4days, 3 nights camp. i had to make sacrifices to go for this retreat, particularly the choice of not joining my classmates' for their geog trip to KL. until now, i still do not regret my decision.
why so? you may ask. because it was during these period of time i was really able to free myself from all the stress and busy-ness of life in Singapore. my mind worked at a much slower pace, allowing me to really to focus, concentrate and hear from God. it's really amazing how seperating yourself from the sinful pleasures of the computer, television and handphone can really free your mind so much.
i came to the retreat with no expectations from God but rather for the wrong motives of having fun, shopping, etc. however, God still chose to show me so much. he still continued to reveal to me more and more things about myself that i do not know. i began to question "why did God even bother to bring me back to Him in the first place?" , "where would i be if God had not brought me back?". these questions occupied my mind for the first night. i was shocked at His response. it was because he didnt want to see me so far away from Him. many times, many of us christians question God why He doesnt show Himself to them, but we fail to realize that God is always waiting for us to come to Him and we are the ones instead who fail to show ourselves to God.
i thought and cried when i questioned myself "where would i be if God had not brought me back to Him?" would i have commited sucide out of depression? would i have been the same cheerful person people knew? would i be one that still bothered to think about the welfare of others? would i be doing well in my studies? would i even have ran away from home? i just began listing down all the possibilites which indeed were very possible senarios, as i knew that would certainly happened if my life remained the same. afterall, nobody but myself and God knew how much i went through in the past. if not for Him, the hurts and rejection accumulated from my past would have eaten me up and turned me into a beast, devoid of love and compassion. a self-centered person who lived for no one but himself. i do not want to think any further.
on the session of the last night, He began to unearth something in my heart. it explained why i had acted in such a particular way towards my sister in the past and present. then, i began to realise that my sister was one the people i looked up to, one i admired greatly. and so in the past i wanted her attention, and tried to achieve it through actions and ways that disgusted and turned her off.
as years passed from primary one to primary six to where i am right now, the growth of hurt and rejection i had in return from her began to grow silently. the more i wanted her attention, the more i acted as if i hated her and all. rejection is greatest when it comes from the person whom you admire and love the most. and i guessed that was the case here. as a result of my attention seeking ways in primary school, my sister detested me and there was not much sibling relationship or communication (except through fighting).
it hurt my parents' heart (and still is) to see me and my sister showing no love for each other. i have always longed to experience true sibling love and wished that me and my sister would be like other siblings out there. everytime i see people communicating and going along so well with their siblings i would get jealous. i always wished i had a younger sibling to take care of or an older sibling that would take care of me. now my sister's going to study in london not long from now, and im still acting in fake joy and oblivion. im sure God showed me all these for a reason. i know it's very personal, but some how i feel i should just let it all out. my only hope in my heart is that one day i would be able to go out with my sister.
other than personal matters, God revealed much to me through the lives of others. i was encouraged by the testimonies of others, the healings that took place, how much the young ones have grown in their faith. im just so amazed at what God is doing for us as one whole body, both the adults and the youths TOGETHER, not just in the lives of the youths.
there were many fun times too. the chance of playing with the babies, the pillow fight at an "abandoned floor", the pizza hut incident, the time when we raid other rooms and i was locked in by _______ & _______, the trip back when the tire of my coach got punctured literally and many more.. me and handy really slept the most among the guys. every morning we would be the last few to wake up and go down for breakfast. while others woke up at 6-7, there were sleeping till 8+ before going down for breakfast. really got to know alot of people much better through the camp. i really thank God for such a good time.
im sorry to those who expected me to focus on the details of the fun parts of the camp, but i decided that focusing more on the things of the spiritual than fun things is better "food for thought". anyway here are some photos upon request. i've decided to be nice and not post pictures of people sleeping. i might change my mind. :)
Photos of the various little kids:
Photos of people who fell victim to the name tag sticker:
Other photos:
A rather disturbing malaysian drain.
this scene just looks so funny.
No, my roommate isn't dead.
the people who enjoyed their pizza hut.
me being strangled by jerrold and ben seck with haofeng behind.
this is what happens when you sleep late. (it's a posed shot)
the aftermath of blindfold catching in elgin's room.
my roommates- handy, gavin and myself.
one of the many flies that got killed by us in the coach when a swarm of them entered our coach.
elden with his bubblegum with myself.
that's all for now. there are many many more funny photos and videos, but i have decided not to put them up for one reason or another. so what you see may be quite boring. okay. hope you enjoyed this rather long post.
Posted at 3:01 PM
